ignorance is bliss

Do you ever feel that way? But what about when you realize that you need to know the rest of the story to become more complete.

I think I am about to have a huge shift in all that I think about food. Or maybe give some confirmation to what I already know I believe.

Either way, it's freaking me out a little. A lot.

it's 3:30

and I still haven't gotten any activity in. Unless you count grocery shopping with an energetic 3 year old. Or repacking all the Christmas stuff in our house.

But I have to take Trey to his guitar lesson soon. His lesson is in a nice neighborhood and lasts for 30 minutes. So I am off to change into my walking pants which also happen to be magic pants. No sweats for me. Nope those skin tight workout kind of pants that show every little bump. I had them on Saturday morning (after my WW weigh in) and was changing before I ran to a women's church brunch meeting thing. Hubby said, "why'd you change? you looked really cute." He has to say that. He's gotten me pregnant way too many times to not feel a little responsible for the lack of muscle tone in my belly! :o)

I have totally SUCKED at tracking this week. Like I haven't tracked in about 48 hours. I will start again tomorrow. I have done better with water which was another of my goals for this week.

Gotta change!

magic pants

We all know what fat pants are, or fat jeans at least. Those are the ones we wear when we feel big and bloated or just blah.

Yesterday I wore my magic pants. I was feeling big. Feeling bad about my body. But I had to get dressed for church. And now we're at our new church so there's no more jeans and a sweater for church clothes.

So I put on my black pants. For years I wore black pants to church a few times a month. I LOVED those pants. I could wear them in winter with heels and a sweater. I could wear them in summer with a light top and heeled sandals. They always were a great option. But they are a size 16. Last winter I broke down and got a new pair of black pants. These are a size 10. I always feel a little self conscious in these pants. They aren't cut as fully as my old pants. They are much slimmer. They aren't as forgiving of all my body flaws.

But I put them on yesterday with an old sweater (that's a size large and felt so big and roomy!) and looked in the mirror. I saw a thin body. Sure I still have a round butt, but honestly, that will never go away I don't think. I will always have an ample behind. But I saw slim thighs. OK, slimmer thighs. I saw my body how it is instead of the way it was.

It was magic. Instead of feeling bad about my body, I felt good. It's been really hard for me the past week to look at myself and see a slim person. I have just felt BIG. But dressing for church changed that for me yesterday.

I even got out and went for a walk yesterday afternoon. It's been over a year since I was getting regular exercise like that. Bt when I get back into the habit I know I will feel strong again. I will like the shape this body takes. Of course today it's snowing and we're supposed to get like 6 inches. And then another few inches tomorrow. So I won't be walking, but I will do something. I'll let you know!

not sure I like my Momentum

I'm not sure how I feel about WW's new Momentum program. I really miss CORE. I miss being able to just eat and not worry about points. But I am noticing that even though I am eating less, I still feel satisfied. Well most of the time, right now I'm still hungry after lunch.

But that shows me that maybe I was eating because I could. Like, if fruit is a CORE food, then I can eat it, but what if I am not really even hungry? I think that is what I was doing. That and not really counting those WPA's. I mean 63 sounds like a lot, but since I don't have fat free dairy in the house, I'm sure I was using a lot without realizing it.

I am a little frustrated by my scale at the moment. It hasn't moved since my weigh in on Saturday. It went up a little, but now just at the same place. Then again, my "output" seems all messed up too. I've had a salad every day and usually an apple, too. I've eaten beans almost every day, and I'm all irregular. So I feel like if I could "go" I'd feel better...and be lighter. Sorry if that's TMI!!! I did notice before that I didn't go as often when I was eating well. I think there was just less coming in so less had to move out. But I feel icky right now.

See you tomorrow!

one of the reasons I love my daughter

The other day my oldest daughter Aleena (who will be 13 at the end of the month!) saw me writing in my tracker and asked if I had gone back to WW. When I said yes, she said, "Why?" Love that girl!!! I told her I had gained about 5 pounds and she understood that I wanted to lose those 5 pounds again.

I thought it was really sweet that she sees me as a healthy weight. We talk a lot about body image with the kids, especially the girls. I want them to understand that eating 80% healthy food and getting some activity each day keeps your body healthy. We have all shapes and sizes among our children. And they all eat the same foods. Lots of fruits and vegetables, whole grains, adequate protein, occasional treats. Emma is underweight, Clay is overweight, Trey, Jack and Aleena are all about right. Not sure about Kelli. But what matters to me is that they have a healthy view of their bodies.

All that to say, that Aleena, even after going bra shopping together and seeing me in my under's, thinks that my body looks just fine. If my near teen daughter sees it as healthy, shouldn't I?

It's Tuesday, right?

Having one of those days where I'm not sure what day it is anymore. I woke up with an icky tummy. Thankfully D was home this morning for a while so he could make sure Emma got up on time. This is 2 days in a row of not missing the bus. The girl is on a roll, I tell ya!

So after I bragged to you about how I left 1 Reese's cup in the package (which is still in my purse btw!), I have to confess that yesterday I had a moment. I was running out the door to take Clay to his drum lesson. I wanted to just grab my new People magazine and go. (They are always sending me the "get 4 trial issues and then get a subscription if you like it" thing. I get my 4 issues and LOVE them, but have never gotten the subscription even though it's my favorite brainless read!) trey offered me a jalapeno frito. Love them. Thought, "I'll take a couple and then go out the door." I couldn't find my magazine. Every time I went by the table i grabbed a couple more. I counted it as a serving for 3 points. Hate that!!!

I did finally find my magazine!

I have enjoyed being back on plan. I am tracking it all too. I'll check in with you again tomorrow.

quick update

Just wanted to drop by and say that I am dong great with tracking. I don't necessarily enjoy it, but it does keep me accountable. I have used just a few of my WPA's so far and yesterday I had 1 point left at the end of the day. It didn't concern me though because I had done lots of estimating on the salad I had for lunch. I didn't measure my cheese or the crema or the chicken so if I was off a little I had a little room.

Kathy posted yesterday about how many diet plans leave us with an all or nothing approach to food. I know we have all been there. Even in our description of good or bad days or good or bad food choices. That is one thing I hate seeing in my kids and I have really tried to keep myself from that as well. Yesterday when Aleena and I were out getting her some new folders for school, I wanted chocolate. Really badly. I considered splitting something with her, but then decided to get a pack of Reese's peanut butter cups. I know that they have a little protein and a lot of the fat is from the nuts, so I bought them and ate one in the car. I savored that thing, lemme tell ya! And I have the other one in my purse. I will eat it sometime, but I'm not sure when.

That has been one of the greatest lessons I have learned with WW. I can have that favorite treat, but I need to enjoy it and count it as part of my daily food intake. So instead of shoving the whole thing in my mouth like I've done in the past, I took a few bites and really tasted it. And I saved one for later. I can eat that treat again.

How is your new year going? ARe you on a diet (or feeling like you have failed at your diet) or simply trying to live a heathier life?

Momentum

I went back to my regular meeting today. That was interesting. It was interesting in that a few of the same friends were there. One woman who started long after me, but got to goal around the same time. Then she just kept losing and losing. She was still talking about that part of her weight loss. She had gained a little last summer, but...I don't need to bore you with the details. She is just very much the same. She comes with 2 friends who look exactly the same as the last time I went to a meeting in May. hmmmm.

There was the woman who lost 105 pounds. She looks awesome, btw. She is sitting with her friend who is still "just a few pounds from her goal". And there were lots of new (to me) people there as well.

I was pleased that even though I have been away for a very long time, I am just a little over my WW goal range. In fact, I'm only 2.8 pounds from it. Not bad I think. The receptionist who checked me in was pleased that even after being away for so long, I'm really close. Especially after the holidays. It's ironic since I gained this weight last summer. I have happily maintained it for months now. But that's why I went back. I am going to get back down to my personal goal of 152. I know I will just look better in my jeans and feel more confident. Many people won't even notice an 8 pound loss, but it's just for me now.

My leader challenged us to fill a 3 month tracker today. She admitted that in her WW time, both as participant and as leader, she has never filled one. So my goal is to track for the next 3 months. That will help me to stay mindful of what I am eating. And my other goal is to get back to 155 by the end of the month. That means I need to lose 4.8 pounds this month. Totally reasonable I know. Then I will just try to lose my last 3 pounds in the next 2 months. I love that she encourages us to set reasonable and attainable goals. They are so much easier to reach.

I'm going to take a few minutes and read my new materials today. I'm not sure how I feel about the new Momentum plan. I really liked CORE a lot. Then again, I wasn't tracking at all and just keeping a mental note of how much WPA I was using. In some ways, I know it was working since I am up just a little, but I know it's always good to go back to basics. And I've heard there are changes around week 6. Right, TB? So for now, I will do what I know works. I know this works because I have never maintained a weight loss before. I have never lived at a healthy weight. I have learned to find balance in the way I deal with food.

I eat like the skinny girl I am striving to be. At least most of the time.

going back

I've decided that I'm going back to my WW meeting on Saturday. I want to lose 5 pounds. I've wanted to lose 5 pounds since...ummmm....July, maybe? Obviously I'm not very successful without going to the meetings so I am going back. I honestly don't know if I'll stick with that Saturday meeting. I may be able to sneak in a week day meeting now that Kelli is in preschool 2 days a week. And Jack E got a Leapster for Christmas so he could maybe sit quietly for a little while. But for this week I'll go back to the regular thing.

And I'm a little curious about this Momentum thing too.

As a side note, I really haven't gained any weight this season. I had gained some between Halloween and Thanksgiving. And the beginning of December was not looking pretty, but since then I have really leveled off. So I am sitting at around 160 or so. I just would like to be at that 155. Or really 152. And while I am not satisfied where I am, I am also very thankful that I am no longer anywhere near 200 pounds any more. It's really easy to fixate on those 5 pounds and let them destroy me. But 5 pounds does not a fatty make. I went to Goodwill yesterday and was still able to pull on size 10 jeans and size 8 skirts. (Big ol' butts like mine fit better in skirts for some reason!) When I look in the mirror and see what is truly there, I am pleasantly surprised that I am smaller than I think of myself. We were with friends the other day and I wasn't the heaviest woman. That may seem really shallow, but I think there are some of you out there who understand what I mean. I've been the fat friend for a long time. It feels strange to be "regular". Especially when you consider that I am almost 39 and have birthed 6 babies. No one expects me to be a size 2 anymore. Most of my friends are in this same stage of life so not many are super tiny anymore.

But it's strange too, because as fat friends in our group of fat friends, we talk about our weight, what we ate that we shouldn't have, how we feel about our bodies. I know thinner women have those conversations and thoughts, too, but I'm not sure how to go there with them. And since our circle of friends has changed a lot in the past 3 years, many of our friends now don't know me as a size 18, only a 10. How do I be fat friends with them when they don't know I'm a recovering fat girl inside?

I don't mean to be offensive as I talk about all this. When I say "fat" it means so many things. Just as an alcoholic can stop drinking but still have all those crazy behaviors, I know that a lot of times I still act the way I did at 198 pounds. Eating when I'm stressed. Eating in private. Bingeing. Just because I'm smaller now, sometimes, a lot of times, I act like I did when I was big.

I think I could keep blogging about this, but I'll stop for today.

holiday survival

UGH! So I think 4 pies at Thanksgiving was NOT a good idea. There are only 8 people in this house after all. And mama LOVES her desserts.

I got on the scale a week after Thanksgiving and saw 169.8. Granted I was fully clothed and it was the end of the day, but still. I don't weigh that. That is WAY out of my comfort range. I decided then and there that I had to go back to what I knew worked and quickly. I didn't want to track so much. I knew that I was just eating too much of the wrong foods. I wanted to retrain myself to eat the healthy foods I love.

So I decided to eat mostly WW CORE foods. Two days later I was seeing great results and I was feeling better. I know some of that weight gain was just temporary, but when I don't deal with that temporary weight gain, it becomes a permanent fixture. I am happy to say that this morning my scale said 158.8. That's back to where I am comfortable. But I've been thinking that I would like to get to the low 150's again, so I think I will try to stay OP and see if I can make it to my personal goal weight by January.

So how am I doing this in the midst of holiday treats? We had a function Saturday night and an open house to attend last night. I didn't eat much at either. On Saturday I would have eaten more, but things were really picked over. I wanted to have veggies or fruit. Maybe some olives and lean proteins. Most everything was some kind of cheesy or creamy dip. While those are good, I was barely fitting into my pants at the time, so it was a good reminder that each bite needed to really count. I had a few shrimp and some grapes and not a lot else. There was a huge dessert line, too. I looked them over but I decided that I wouldn't have any. It just didn't feel worth it. I had 3 peppermints instead. Oh, and it was a wine party so the wine was flowing. I don't drink much. So I had water. I think that helped a lot too.

Last night was another spread. I didn't get a plate. I didn't sample much. I did chat and look over the spread. I did grab some grapes from the cheese plate and some veggies from their platter but not much. Then again I did eat a Dove ice cream bar after I was home!

I think one of my greatest moments came yesterday afternoon. I was out with Aleena picking up something I needed at Michael's. I saw the boxes of Almond Roca. I thought, "we could buy one and eat it on the way home". Yes, I was thinking we could eat an entire box of Almond Roca on the way home. I even told her that. But then I thought, "Nah, I already know what they taste like." I think that was the key. I knew what I was missing and it wasn't that great.

How many times have I eaten something just because I knew it would taste really good? And I didn't have a little bite, but I ate too much. Like the cheesecake on Saturday night. Like the peanut butter fudge from last night. Sure, it would be really good, but haven't I already had some really good cheesecake and peanut butter fudge? Do I really need to taste it again? Not right now I don't.

day 2

I survived day one back on plan. I did just fine in fact. It was cold and I even had half a grilled cheese and some tomato soup for lunch. I just made really different choices than I had made the past few weeks.

I did dive into the ice cream last night. I put it in a bowl though and didn't just eat out of the carton. Nights really aren't usually a problem for me. I have an audience usually, so I stay out of the snacks then. But last night I was ALONE, and I'd stuck to my DPA all day. So I used some flex points to soothe my soul. Probably not the best choice.

I realized this morning that I start stress eating about 6:40 each morning. The little kids are up. I am trying to get the middle (elementary school) kids up and ready. The big kids (middle schoolers) are being lovely as always. I want to eat handfuls of cereal straight out of the box. And toast with lots and lots of butter. This morning I ate nothing until I was at the grocery store with my 3 year old. The middle kids missed the bus (because one was fighting with the preschooler about how to make instant oatmeal) so I took them to school then dropped Kelli and the neighbor we carpool with at preschool. Jack my 3 year old had his first meltdown of the morning there. Then he had a couple more at the grocery store.

We were 2 meltdowns into the day, and I was standing in front of the day old bakery stuff. I always go there because I can get deals on stuff we use all the time. But I am starving. It's been a bad morning already. I grab a banana nut muffin to eat while we cruise the store.

Not the best choice. But better than a doughnut anyway. I also got fat free cottage cheese that was marked down 50% because the sell by date is tomorrow. That was my snack at home. :o)

So I am learning that I stress eat EARLY in the day. That sets me up for a bad day all around. I think I may boil some eggs that I can grab in the morning when the going gets tough. Protein is a good mood stabilizer, don't you think?

any body seen my wagon?

I feel like I am sooooo far off plan these days. I haven't really been following a plan per se for quite a while, but I was eating well none the less. I would gain a pound or two and take it back off. Staying in a range I felt comfortable with. Then Halloween came.

I did really well not dipping into the candy before hand. And we decided to let the kids indulge as much as they wanted for the weekend. We've never done that before. We've given a few pieces here and there and kept the candy around forever. This time we told them to eat all they wanted on Halloween night and Saturday and we'd throw it all away on Sunday. The kids were ready for "real food" on Saturday night. They'd had their fill.

I followed suit. I had NO candy until they started in on theirs. Then I ate too many. And Saturday morning I had candy for breakfast and snack and lunch and ICK! I had my fill too and am really ready to be done with that, but I have been making poor snack choices since then. Bread and butter instead of fruit and veggies. Mindlessly eating out of the cereal box. It doesn't matter that it's corn flakes. Half a box is half a box!

So today I am finding my way back to my WW ways. I don't want to track. I don't want to follow all the rules, but I know I need to for a while. I'll feel better and I'll be in a good place going into the holidays instead of feeling out of control.

I'll be back to let you know how I'm doing.

Halloween Candy

It's been unbagged and is waiting in the big bowl for trick or treaters. I even got things I like this year. But just now I wanted a snack. I stopped in front of the big bowl. And chose a banana instead. Yay for me.

Not like there won't be buckets of candy around for days and days! lol

checking in

It's been almost a month since I was here, huh? Wow! How have I been? Well, not really OP, but not really off either.

I read an article in Clean Eating magazine about intuitive eating that really resonated with me. The author talked about eating local food, prepared at home and not eating much processed food. The author found that she naturally lost weight this way and never felt deprived.

That makes so much sense to me because I have 4 fairly thin children, 1 average child and 1 heavy child. They all eat as the author of the article described. Yes, the four oldest eat lunch at school so I have no control over that, but I do know that Emma will choose salads over other foods. They all will take the veggie cup and dip them in ranch just to fill up on more whole foods. So if it's working for my kids, why not me too?

I'm not in this to lose a bunch of weight anymore. I have battled most of my eating demons. Even the ones I haven't conquered, I can at least identify from a far distance now. So why can't I just trust myself to eat intuitively? So I have begun to trust myself again. I am counting points or keeping track of CORE foods. I am just eating the food in my kitchen. Honestly, it is mostly fruits and vegetables and lean meats and whole grains. But we did actually order out pizza the other night, and I had 4 pieces. I have made dessert twice in the past couple of weeks to go with dinner. (Honestly, the good part of having a big family is that I made a pie last night, and we all had A slice and now it's gone!)

And what does the scale say about all of this? When I decided to jump back on the WW wagon last month I was shocked to see 163.6 on the scale. I had spent most of the summer around 159-161. This morning? Back to 159.2. Although it's not a huge loss for the month, I have lost the couple of pounds I gained at the end of the summer. And I would like to lose a few more. But we'll see. Right now, I am happy where I am. And honestly as I read some blogs about fastidious exercise regimes and strict eating plans, I think I really am not motivated to lose anymore. Some of you may think that I am copping out. Yeah, maybe so. But I know there are some of you out there who know that just getting through the days and weeks and dealing with all that life entails without gaining any weight either is an accomplishment.

hiatus

I'm not sure what happened yesterday, but I was back to my old ways. TOM is on it's way so maybe that's my excuse?

Anyway I am back on track today.

Too tired to really blog any more. How sad is that?

still working it

Last night started to get away from a little. I just needed CARBS after I had dinner last night. So I had a piece of the banana bread I had made earlier in the day. It did the trick. Then I filled up on watermelon later so I went to bed feeling quite satisfied. I have been using those WPA's a lot in the past couple of days. Not always intentionally either. I didn't realize that my deli ham was not a CORE food until I had 2 slices of it. Then I went to a meeting for a school committee in the afternoon and there were cookies that everyone was raving about. I had half of one. It was OK. And I had to sample that banana bread earlier in the day since it was a new recipe.

But all in all, it was a good CORE day. I am not obsessing over food like I had been in the past. I am feeling much more in control of eating and all that. And the scale has gone down a little (well, 2 pounds is more than a little, huh?). This is when I would normally feel like it's OK and I can go back to just eating whatever. But I am committing to tracking this whole week. I would really like to get well below my WW goal again so I have a cushion to go to weigh in. I really do miss going to meetings, but I don't want to pay for them, so I don't want to go when I am over my weight limit. How ridiculous is that? I guess that's part of my vicious cycle, too. And a fatal flaw of the WW company.

Anyway. Here's to another day of tracking and being in control. And not eating mindlessly.

day 2

yesterday was a good day. I did have some cravings for chocolate, but I just waited for it to pass. Funny how that is, isn't it? I have impulsively indulged a craving and then felt guilty. Now I am realizing that often times those cravings will pass. The snickers only looks amazing while I am looking at it. If I don't buy one and go home and put the groceries away, I totally forget all about it. The other day at the store I almost bought a ton of ice cream "for the kids". But I didn't because I knew it would tempt me. Later I really wanted that ice cream, but it wasn't here so I had to do without. And I lived til morning if you can believe it!

Sorry about that tangent! :o)

I decided to go with CORE. I like that I can't justify a few bad choices that lead to a binge. For me, it's baking. I have baked a LOT this summer. It's been so easy to eat more than I should because it's healthier foods...fresh flour, veggies in the bread or muffins, natural sweeteners. But half a loaf of zucchini bread is NEVER OK. And I realized that I was eating my baked stuff instead of fruits and veggies for snacks. Like yesterday when I had to remind myself to eat lunch. It would have been easy to eat a piece or two of zucchini bread, but instead I had a salad with cucumbers and peppers and tomatoes and a little turkey and some FF salad dressing. I really liked that salad. And it didn't lead to overeating later.

More rambling. Suffice it to say that I am back on day 2 of eating CORE and tracking it all.

How is your day?

back on track one more time

Summer is just about over and I have gained about 5 pounds. Maybe 4. My weight is fluctuating between 160 and 161.?. I want to get back down to my WW lifetime range of 153-157 so here I go again back to losing mode. I am starting tracking today and I'm really not sure what plan I want to be on, CORE or FLEX. I want my carbs, but I also want to be able to eat when I am hungry even if I have eaten all my daily points. So for now, I am trying to make good choices and track. My goal for the week is just to TRACK!!!

I've had a piece of toast and an egg so far this morning. It was going to be 2 eggs, but Kelli begged one of them off from me. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

I'm tracking today, remember?

icky numbers

Before I complain about what the scale said yesterday morning, let me clarify that I know I have earned it. And let me also remember that there were many YEARS I would have LOVED to have seen this number. And I know I have some blog friends who would also be thrilled to see this number.

163.8

Not a number I am comfortable with at all anymore. Yesterday I did much better with keeping stuff out of my mouth. I am just not tracking....eating whatever I want...and wondering why I feel lousy half the time!

So here I am again, back to trying to do better. I did have that magic loss of over a pound today which makes me think that part of my scale trouble was water weight or whatever. But I know that I feel like a fat girl when I eat like a fat girl. I hate that.

not sure

what plan I am on right now, but it's working. I am really trying to just eat less. Quit the mindless munching. I think WW calls it "think first".

Anyway, it's working. I am back down to a comfortable place again. I thought about calling it done. After all I feel more like me, right? Instead I am going to stick with this plan and really try to lose for the next few weeks. Maybe I can see my personal goal of 152 again.

On another note, I used to run into a wanna be loser in blogland quite a bit last winter. She then decided to write her own blog and really commit to Weight Watchers. I'm not sure what happened, but she quickly disappeared. Today she has posted again here asking for encouragement and help. Go visit her and share your journey with her, will ya please?

I think we all have a unique bond. We know what it's like to hate our bodies, to feel trapped by our flab. But some of us...like me, have come so much closer to having bodies that make us feel good. Even though I am up and down lately, I am still really proud of what I have accomplished. I have been THIN for the last year. I get hit on by the sushi boys at my local grocery store every time I am there. LOVE THAT!

anyway...go visit a friend and tell her she's not alone