Sunday, April 12, 2009


I haven't posted here in so long. I'm trying to figure out eating more traditional foods, and maintaining my weight loss. That part hasn't been much of a problem.

My trouble has been with working nights again (4 eight hour nights/week) and not eating junk to compensate for fatigue. I realize now that was part of my survival mode when all my kids were little. When I started with WW I was well rested and doing OK in that respect. Now? I'm tired. And peanut M&M's just sound like a good idea way too often.

That has added up to gaining 5 pounds again. Once again, I'm not happy with how my jeans fit. I feel that pudge in my belly and hate it. And I really need to tone up this body before swimsuit season rolls around again.

Trying to figure it out. Really wanting to nap.

Monday, January 19, 2009

more updates

I posted on my kitchen blog about why we will continue to eat butter and phase out all artificial sweeteners. You can read that here.

Last night I was talking to my mom about the book I am reading and how it contradicts a lot of what WW stresses. I have thought about that a little since then.

How did I get overweight to begin with? Let's see....there was pints of ice cream on the couch late at night. There were giant gas station muffins eaten nearly every day after breakfast as I drove kids to school. There were lots of trips through the drive through to get food I wasn't even always hungry for. (I must say that being alone in the car was reason to eat for me. Even if it wasn't meal time. It was my reward to eat food ALONE.)

Did eating butter on my vegetables make me fat? I really doubt it with all that up there. Even in the past few months as I gained a little extra weight, I know it came from eating handfuls of cereal out of the box every time I walked by the pantry. Sure it's not froot loops, but it's not rolled oats either.

I did learn a lot of valuable things from my time with WW. If nothing else, I got myself away from those empty foods and eating real foods more of the time. I addressed a lot of my emotional reasons for eating and bingeing. And I'm not saying I'm done there. I had great comments from Clindermuth (I think that was her name) last week on incorporating WW into a more whole foods mentality. That is my plan at this point. By sticking to more traditional foods I will also stay away from the foods that cause me to want to binge. Honestly, a handful of goldfish beckons for more of the same. An apple? Not so much! I will be transitioning our family away from those foods too. I look at them and while they are mostly all at healthy weights, I see them going back for more and more of the same foods that are the least nutritional in our house. I want health for them too, not just lean bodies.

So stay tuned as I try to figure this out. You can either be here to see how we are transformed or simple say I told you so when I weigh 200 pounds again by summer.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

the good and the bad

So while I figure out what I will be eating and feeding my family, I need to take a step back and remind myself that even thought I went back to WW two weeks ago, I have been happily maintaining my weight for over a year now. Sure I'd like to lose a little more, but that will happen in it's time.

I have felt like I need to get moving more. What in the non-WW world we call exercise. I am not a super sedentary person. In fact, from about 3 in the afternoon until dinner I don't sit down unless I am driving someone somewhere. I am up and down stairs all day, toting laundry or whatever. But I know I need to just get out there and walk again. I liked the way my body looked when I was doing that consistently. Even when I was still in the 170's, I liked the firmness that comes from regular walking. I decided to focus my energy there for now. I had 3 walks this week. Sunday afternoon, Tuesday afternoon and this morning. That will be my heath goal for now.

The bad for me? You've heard, "you had me at hello?" Rene Zellwegger said it in Jerry McGuire and Kenny Chesney had a song by that titile. And that fact alone is weird to me since they were married for like 8 months or something.

ANY-way!!! For me it started at the food bank yesterday afternoon when the sweet little woman said, "would you like to take a cake?" When I said yes, I knew I would eat much processed sugar and refined white flour before the day was done. Thankfully it was only a quarter of a sheet cake and I gave the kids hefty slices after dinner. Then I proceeded to eat what was left. Honestly I picked at it because it was a lot of gross frosting and dry cake.

But I knew when I agreed to a cake what my response would be at home. I made the choice then and there. Next time I really need to say no to cake!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Yesterday I alluded to what is going on with me here. I was a little more specific in on this blog.

My dear cyber friend left this comment for me yesterday.

"I haven't read it but it does reflect some of what Michael Pollan wrote about in his book. It did occur to me yesterday after seeing the commercial for the Splenda with added fiber that we are now fortifying our chemicals with other chemicals! Like chemicals squared! I think the closer to nature that we eat the better. "

The idea of splenda with fiber is just inherently wrong. Chemically altered chemicals....

It's such a struggle for me right now as I read because I don't believe natural food to be bad for us, but WW tells me that I should be eating low fat and artificially sweetened foods. Foods that don't occur naturally.

Needless to say, I'm not tracking any more. I'm just conflicted. I'm trying to get some things done this morning so I can read a little more.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

ignorance is bliss

Do you ever feel that way? But what about when you realize that you need to know the rest of the story to become more complete.

I think I am about to have a huge shift in all that I think about food. Or maybe give some confirmation to what I already know I believe.

Either way, it's freaking me out a little. A lot.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

it's 3:30

and I still haven't gotten any activity in. Unless you count grocery shopping with an energetic 3 year old. Or repacking all the Christmas stuff in our house.

But I have to take Trey to his guitar lesson soon. His lesson is in a nice neighborhood and lasts for 30 minutes. So I am off to change into my walking pants which also happen to be magic pants. No sweats for me. Nope those skin tight workout kind of pants that show every little bump. I had them on Saturday morning (after my WW weigh in) and was changing before I ran to a women's church brunch meeting thing. Hubby said, "why'd you change? you looked really cute." He has to say that. He's gotten me pregnant way too many times to not feel a little responsible for the lack of muscle tone in my belly! :o)

I have totally SUCKED at tracking this week. Like I haven't tracked in about 48 hours. I will start again tomorrow. I have done better with water which was another of my goals for this week.

Gotta change!

Monday, January 12, 2009

magic pants

We all know what fat pants are, or fat jeans at least. Those are the ones we wear when we feel big and bloated or just blah.

Yesterday I wore my magic pants. I was feeling big. Feeling bad about my body. But I had to get dressed for church. And now we're at our new church so there's no more jeans and a sweater for church clothes.

So I put on my black pants. For years I wore black pants to church a few times a month. I LOVED those pants. I could wear them in winter with heels and a sweater. I could wear them in summer with a light top and heeled sandals. They always were a great option. But they are a size 16. Last winter I broke down and got a new pair of black pants. These are a size 10. I always feel a little self conscious in these pants. They aren't cut as fully as my old pants. They are much slimmer. They aren't as forgiving of all my body flaws.

But I put them on yesterday with an old sweater (that's a size large and felt so big and roomy!) and looked in the mirror. I saw a thin body. Sure I still have a round butt, but honestly, that will never go away I don't think. I will always have an ample behind. But I saw slim thighs. OK, slimmer thighs. I saw my body how it is instead of the way it was.

It was magic. Instead of feeling bad about my body, I felt good. It's been really hard for me the past week to look at myself and see a slim person. I have just felt BIG. But dressing for church changed that for me yesterday.

I even got out and went for a walk yesterday afternoon. It's been over a year since I was getting regular exercise like that. Bt when I get back into the habit I know I will feel strong again. I will like the shape this body takes. Of course today it's snowing and we're supposed to get like 6 inches. And then another few inches tomorrow. So I won't be walking, but I will do something. I'll let you know!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

not sure I like my Momentum

I'm not sure how I feel about WW's new Momentum program. I really miss CORE. I miss being able to just eat and not worry about points. But I am noticing that even though I am eating less, I still feel satisfied. Well most of the time, right now I'm still hungry after lunch.

But that shows me that maybe I was eating because I could. Like, if fruit is a CORE food, then I can eat it, but what if I am not really even hungry? I think that is what I was doing. That and not really counting those WPA's. I mean 63 sounds like a lot, but since I don't have fat free dairy in the house, I'm sure I was using a lot without realizing it.

I am a little frustrated by my scale at the moment. It hasn't moved since my weigh in on Saturday. It went up a little, but now just at the same place. Then again, my "output" seems all messed up too. I've had a salad every day and usually an apple, too. I've eaten beans almost every day, and I'm all irregular. So I feel like if I could "go" I'd feel better...and be lighter. Sorry if that's TMI!!! I did notice before that I didn't go as often when I was eating well. I think there was just less coming in so less had to move out. But I feel icky right now.

See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

one of the reasons I love my daughter

The other day my oldest daughter Aleena (who will be 13 at the end of the month!) saw me writing in my tracker and asked if I had gone back to WW. When I said yes, she said, "Why?" Love that girl!!! I told her I had gained about 5 pounds and she understood that I wanted to lose those 5 pounds again.

I thought it was really sweet that she sees me as a healthy weight. We talk a lot about body image with the kids, especially the girls. I want them to understand that eating 80% healthy food and getting some activity each day keeps your body healthy. We have all shapes and sizes among our children. And they all eat the same foods. Lots of fruits and vegetables, whole grains, adequate protein, occasional treats. Emma is underweight, Clay is overweight, Trey, Jack and Aleena are all about right. Not sure about Kelli. But what matters to me is that they have a healthy view of their bodies.

All that to say, that Aleena, even after going bra shopping together and seeing me in my under's, thinks that my body looks just fine. If my near teen daughter sees it as healthy, shouldn't I?

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

It's Tuesday, right?

Having one of those days where I'm not sure what day it is anymore. I woke up with an icky tummy. Thankfully D was home this morning for a while so he could make sure Emma got up on time. This is 2 days in a row of not missing the bus. The girl is on a roll, I tell ya!

So after I bragged to you about how I left 1 Reese's cup in the package (which is still in my purse btw!), I have to confess that yesterday I had a moment. I was running out the door to take Clay to his drum lesson. I wanted to just grab my new People magazine and go. (They are always sending me the "get 4 trial issues and then get a subscription if you like it" thing. I get my 4 issues and LOVE them, but have never gotten the subscription even though it's my favorite brainless read!) trey offered me a jalapeno frito. Love them. Thought, "I'll take a couple and then go out the door." I couldn't find my magazine. Every time I went by the table i grabbed a couple more. I counted it as a serving for 3 points. Hate that!!!

I did finally find my magazine!

I have enjoyed being back on plan. I am tracking it all too. I'll check in with you again tomorrow.

Monday, January 5, 2009

quick update

Just wanted to drop by and say that I am dong great with tracking. I don't necessarily enjoy it, but it does keep me accountable. I have used just a few of my WPA's so far and yesterday I had 1 point left at the end of the day. It didn't concern me though because I had done lots of estimating on the salad I had for lunch. I didn't measure my cheese or the crema or the chicken so if I was off a little I had a little room.

Kathy posted yesterday about how many diet plans leave us with an all or nothing approach to food. I know we have all been there. Even in our description of good or bad days or good or bad food choices. That is one thing I hate seeing in my kids and I have really tried to keep myself from that as well. Yesterday when Aleena and I were out getting her some new folders for school, I wanted chocolate. Really badly. I considered splitting something with her, but then decided to get a pack of Reese's peanut butter cups. I know that they have a little protein and a lot of the fat is from the nuts, so I bought them and ate one in the car. I savored that thing, lemme tell ya! And I have the other one in my purse. I will eat it sometime, but I'm not sure when.

That has been one of the greatest lessons I have learned with WW. I can have that favorite treat, but I need to enjoy it and count it as part of my daily food intake. So instead of shoving the whole thing in my mouth like I've done in the past, I took a few bites and really tasted it. And I saved one for later. I can eat that treat again.

How is your new year going? ARe you on a diet (or feeling like you have failed at your diet) or simply trying to live a heathier life?

Saturday, January 3, 2009


I went back to my regular meeting today. That was interesting. It was interesting in that a few of the same friends were there. One woman who started long after me, but got to goal around the same time. Then she just kept losing and losing. She was still talking about that part of her weight loss. She had gained a little last summer, but...I don't need to bore you with the details. She is just very much the same. She comes with 2 friends who look exactly the same as the last time I went to a meeting in May. hmmmm.

There was the woman who lost 105 pounds. She looks awesome, btw. She is sitting with her friend who is still "just a few pounds from her goal". And there were lots of new (to me) people there as well.

I was pleased that even though I have been away for a very long time, I am just a little over my WW goal range. In fact, I'm only 2.8 pounds from it. Not bad I think. The receptionist who checked me in was pleased that even after being away for so long, I'm really close. Especially after the holidays. It's ironic since I gained this weight last summer. I have happily maintained it for months now. But that's why I went back. I am going to get back down to my personal goal of 152. I know I will just look better in my jeans and feel more confident. Many people won't even notice an 8 pound loss, but it's just for me now.

My leader challenged us to fill a 3 month tracker today. She admitted that in her WW time, both as participant and as leader, she has never filled one. So my goal is to track for the next 3 months. That will help me to stay mindful of what I am eating. And my other goal is to get back to 155 by the end of the month. That means I need to lose 4.8 pounds this month. Totally reasonable I know. Then I will just try to lose my last 3 pounds in the next 2 months. I love that she encourages us to set reasonable and attainable goals. They are so much easier to reach.

I'm going to take a few minutes and read my new materials today. I'm not sure how I feel about the new Momentum plan. I really liked CORE a lot. Then again, I wasn't tracking at all and just keeping a mental note of how much WPA I was using. In some ways, I know it was working since I am up just a little, but I know it's always good to go back to basics. And I've heard there are changes around week 6. Right, TB? So for now, I will do what I know works. I know this works because I have never maintained a weight loss before. I have never lived at a healthy weight. I have learned to find balance in the way I deal with food.

I eat like the skinny girl I am striving to be. At least most of the time.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

going back

I've decided that I'm going back to my WW meeting on Saturday. I want to lose 5 pounds. I've wanted to lose 5 pounds since...ummmm....July, maybe? Obviously I'm not very successful without going to the meetings so I am going back. I honestly don't know if I'll stick with that Saturday meeting. I may be able to sneak in a week day meeting now that Kelli is in preschool 2 days a week. And Jack E got a Leapster for Christmas so he could maybe sit quietly for a little while. But for this week I'll go back to the regular thing.

And I'm a little curious about this Momentum thing too.

As a side note, I really haven't gained any weight this season. I had gained some between Halloween and Thanksgiving. And the beginning of December was not looking pretty, but since then I have really leveled off. So I am sitting at around 160 or so. I just would like to be at that 155. Or really 152. And while I am not satisfied where I am, I am also very thankful that I am no longer anywhere near 200 pounds any more. It's really easy to fixate on those 5 pounds and let them destroy me. But 5 pounds does not a fatty make. I went to Goodwill yesterday and was still able to pull on size 10 jeans and size 8 skirts. (Big ol' butts like mine fit better in skirts for some reason!) When I look in the mirror and see what is truly there, I am pleasantly surprised that I am smaller than I think of myself. We were with friends the other day and I wasn't the heaviest woman. That may seem really shallow, but I think there are some of you out there who understand what I mean. I've been the fat friend for a long time. It feels strange to be "regular". Especially when you consider that I am almost 39 and have birthed 6 babies. No one expects me to be a size 2 anymore. Most of my friends are in this same stage of life so not many are super tiny anymore.

But it's strange too, because as fat friends in our group of fat friends, we talk about our weight, what we ate that we shouldn't have, how we feel about our bodies. I know thinner women have those conversations and thoughts, too, but I'm not sure how to go there with them. And since our circle of friends has changed a lot in the past 3 years, many of our friends now don't know me as a size 18, only a 10. How do I be fat friends with them when they don't know I'm a recovering fat girl inside?

I don't mean to be offensive as I talk about all this. When I say "fat" it means so many things. Just as an alcoholic can stop drinking but still have all those crazy behaviors, I know that a lot of times I still act the way I did at 198 pounds. Eating when I'm stressed. Eating in private. Bingeing. Just because I'm smaller now, sometimes, a lot of times, I act like I did when I was big.

I think I could keep blogging about this, but I'll stop for today.