Thursday, January 1, 2009

going back

I've decided that I'm going back to my WW meeting on Saturday. I want to lose 5 pounds. I've wanted to lose 5 pounds since...ummmm....July, maybe? Obviously I'm not very successful without going to the meetings so I am going back. I honestly don't know if I'll stick with that Saturday meeting. I may be able to sneak in a week day meeting now that Kelli is in preschool 2 days a week. And Jack E got a Leapster for Christmas so he could maybe sit quietly for a little while. But for this week I'll go back to the regular thing.

And I'm a little curious about this Momentum thing too.

As a side note, I really haven't gained any weight this season. I had gained some between Halloween and Thanksgiving. And the beginning of December was not looking pretty, but since then I have really leveled off. So I am sitting at around 160 or so. I just would like to be at that 155. Or really 152. And while I am not satisfied where I am, I am also very thankful that I am no longer anywhere near 200 pounds any more. It's really easy to fixate on those 5 pounds and let them destroy me. But 5 pounds does not a fatty make. I went to Goodwill yesterday and was still able to pull on size 10 jeans and size 8 skirts. (Big ol' butts like mine fit better in skirts for some reason!) When I look in the mirror and see what is truly there, I am pleasantly surprised that I am smaller than I think of myself. We were with friends the other day and I wasn't the heaviest woman. That may seem really shallow, but I think there are some of you out there who understand what I mean. I've been the fat friend for a long time. It feels strange to be "regular". Especially when you consider that I am almost 39 and have birthed 6 babies. No one expects me to be a size 2 anymore. Most of my friends are in this same stage of life so not many are super tiny anymore.

But it's strange too, because as fat friends in our group of fat friends, we talk about our weight, what we ate that we shouldn't have, how we feel about our bodies. I know thinner women have those conversations and thoughts, too, but I'm not sure how to go there with them. And since our circle of friends has changed a lot in the past 3 years, many of our friends now don't know me as a size 18, only a 10. How do I be fat friends with them when they don't know I'm a recovering fat girl inside?

I don't mean to be offensive as I talk about all this. When I say "fat" it means so many things. Just as an alcoholic can stop drinking but still have all those crazy behaviors, I know that a lot of times I still act the way I did at 198 pounds. Eating when I'm stressed. Eating in private. Bingeing. Just because I'm smaller now, sometimes, a lot of times, I act like I did when I was big.

I think I could keep blogging about this, but I'll stop for today.

1 comment:

TB--Milwaukee said...

Just remember all the lifetime regs. If you're over goal, you're supposed to pay weekly, but you also only have to technically weigh in once a month so there are loop holes too.

We have a Mommy and Me meeting on Tuesday mornings that I've been thinking of dropping into, but for the first few months of '09 I'm subbing 6 meetings weekly, so I'll probably get enough accountability that way.