Friday, November 23, 2007

this is complicated

In some ways, this whole maintenance thing has been easy (since I am just finishing the first week! LOL), but Thanksgiving yesterday and our big party last Sunday make it complicated.

I went overboard with the chips and dip on Sunday at the party. Then I ate well on Mon, Tues and Wed. I watched the scale come down each morning a little more until yesterday I weighed 153.6. Perfect!!! But then there's the Thanksgiving thing. I really tried to make good choices. I skipped the mashed potatoes. Honestly, they were yummy (I tasted for seasoning) but they are the same old mashed potatoes I make every week, so why eat them when I could have something else? And I tried to have lots of veggies, too. But I was on my feet in the kitchen for hours all day. And I did not drink hardly any water. I don't know why I just want to drink diet coke when I am in the kitchen. So unhelpful for me! Oh, the big cheese plate that D made yesterday while I was cooking didn't do me any favors either!

But all in all, I was happy with myself. I tried to make good choices, but more importantly I didn't start TODAY with the holiday mindset. I have TONS of leftovers (after spending a day and half in the kitchen I don't plan on cooking again untill Monday!!!), but I had a healthy and low point breakfast that I knew would hold me for the morning (bear mush with a little cooked pumpkin). Then I sat down and planned out my morning snacks (which I didn't eat) and my lunch of turkey sandwhich and some leftovers. I will have some of that for dinner as well, but with potion control in mind for sure.

This morning I was up 3 pounds from yesterday morning. I know it's not all a real gain, but I do have to WI in the morning...and be under 157!!! Though I haven't seen that number since September sometime, I wouldn't be surprised to see a gain tommorrow.

My leader reminded us all that we need to go to the meeting this week, but whether or not we WI is up to us. Except for me. I have to WI as part of my maintenance. But it's good to not fear the scale so much now.

I really need to get my head around this new thinner me. I do have a hard time realizing that I am not so heavy as I used to be. Not that I still have the fat girl mindset that ruled me for too long...the one that weighed obsessively, starved myself after a binge, took a laxative out of guilt for what I'd eaten that day. And not the fat girl mindset I still get that feels like, well, I've eaten all but 3 cookies, I may as well finish them off. There are just a couple bites of that left, I'll just finish it.

But I really have a hard time realizing that I am kind of thin. I know my BMI still puts me at overweight. And a size 10 isn't tiny. But the other day at Target I saw some other women go into Target. They are women that I would think of as thin. They were looking at some sweaters and I heard, "can you find a medium?" It hit me that I wear a medium, too. I wear the same size as these thin women. Does that mean other people think I am thin?

Now, don't get my wrong, I don't have some totally distorted image of myself...I do see big changes in myself. I know I could lose more weight and still be healthy. I am really not interested in losing more weight right now. I am happy with this body. But I am just having a hard time getting used to it. I am still midly surprised every time I put on my jeans and they fit. And yesterday I wore my size 8 skirt and it wasn't even snug. That is just so unbelievable to me sometimes.

BTW, I have been having internet issues the past couple days. I have read up on you all but I haven't been able to post many comments. I hope you all have had a great holiday...and that we can all go into December ready to celebrate and not just pig out on a daily basis.

I am so thankful for all of your support. I totally feel like you are my WW meeting whenever I just need a little boost!


Kathy said...

What you are going through is a common problem, I would think, for people who go down several sizes and weigh less than they have in their adult lives. You have to rediscover "who" you are and what is "normal" for this new person. I still reach in the closet and slide clothes to the side because I feel they would be too small and then find out that they fit fine. TB was talking the other day about his uncertainty about moving out of the XL just takes some time and practice. And I think you're wise to let this all kinda sink in before you consider more weight loss. I think all of us just want to be better healthier versions of who we have always been and it can be startling when you lose a great deal of weight to not recognize the person you see in the mirror.

Roni said...

It's been 2 years from me and I'm STILL not used to it. It's getting better and I know it's all in my head.

Just rememeber this... it doesn't matter how other people "see" you. It's about how you feel and you sound like you are in a good spot. That's the most important thing.

Diet Coke and Zingers said...

BAH- I am so with you (not that I want to be, but I am)... just trying to adjust to being thinner... trying to wrap your head around the fact that yes, people look at you and consider you to be thin... It's all so bizarre for girls who've spent a decade having babies and being pudgy... I'm thinking it will just take time to adjust... yes?

It sounds to me like you did just fine on Thanksgiving... just THINK about what you might have eaten a year ago!