spoke too soon

So I had 3 good days OP and then 2 really awful days. Oh, and TOM showed up too! Things are NOT looking good for a pound loss this week!!!

But I got this word cloud idea fromBecky and thought I'd check it out. Very fun. But the one on my mama blog isn't so pretty!

FYI

This is the 3rd day in a row where I have felt OP. I did use a bunch of flexies the weekend, but not all of them yet!!! And I even tracked my little nibbles.

Today I haven't tracked my little nibbles. They have all been fruit...some pear, a few blueberries, a slice of apple, a chunk of nectarine. If that's all it is, I won't really care since I also don't track the AP of running up and down the stairs carrying a kid or two for half the day either.

So, yes, I am being good!!!

little giggle

Politics aside, I saw this on a bumper sticker yesterday and it made me laugh right out loud:

Monica Lewinsky's ex-boyfriend's wife for President!!!

Hope you liked it as much as I did!!!

what's goin' on

I went to my meeting yesterday and was up even more. I honestly wasn't surprised AT ALL!!! I have had the hardest time getting back to where I want to be and getting my head back into the WW game. And last week I just felt off for a few days. I was totally depressed about I'm not sure what. I felt overwhelmed by life. Just seemed like it was all too much. So I ate more than I should to comfort myself. (It didn't work by the way!!!)

I really considered NOT going to my meeting yesterday morning. I had turned off my alarm after the first ring. I just was going to sleep in. Then my cell rang at 6:45 with a number I didn't recognize. They left a message. Something totally random "good morning sunshine...the sun is smiling on you!" whatever!!! It's not even 7 yet!!! Then they called back, but no message this time. So I went potty. And by this time the dog is awake and wants out. So I got up and got dressed and went to WW.

The meeting was good for me in that we talked about those ANTS. But we also talked about setting a goal and the objectives to get there. I think for a while I've been bugged that I have 6 or 7 pounds to lose. I think about it, but I don't do anything about it. So yesterday in my meeting I decided I would work toward losing 1 pound this week. Just 1. I'm not going to think about anything but getting to 156.?. Then I will work on the rest later. And I decided I have to do better with water. Oh, and STOP FREAKING EATING!!!!

Now I know WW is not a diet and we shouldn't feel deprived all the time and we shouldn't be hungry. But honestly, it's OK to be a little hungry sometimes and to deprive myself a LOT more often than I have been. I have seriously been eating way above my daily points for weeks now. I know I can eat all my dailies and above my weekly flexies too and still lose, but it's like I have been pushing that to the limit. And I haven't been losing at all. In fact, I've been steadily gaining for weeks and weeks now.

So yesterday I really tried to scale it back. But we did have a big Saturday night dinner, and total comfort foods, too. Cube steak and gravy, mashed potatoes (they were from instant since I was being lazy so they weren't so good), cheesy cauliflower, peas, biscuits and apple crumb pie for dessert. Not really a low point meal. But I honestly ate really small portions of everything (except the pie!) and felt good about it. Today we went out for lunch after church to a BBQ place. I had sliced turkey with some BBQ sauce, this cucumber/tomato/onion salad and jalapeno beans. And a little ice cream cone. :) Still kind of crazy, but I do usually eat more on the weekends especially if we go out.

So I am feeling on top of my WW thing for the first time in a while. Yesterday was the first day where I totally felt OP. I only nibbled a tiny bit in the afternoon and TRACKED it ALL. So here's hoping to losing a pound. And if it's more, that's great. I know the momentum of losing just ONE pound will help me get back on track to lose a few more too.

Oh, and my friend at church this morning asked if I'd been losing more weight. I said no. Then she said, "then those must be your 'good butt' jeans"!

whew!

I'm taking just a sec to post before the kids start coming in from school. I have been doing much better at staying OP. Saturday I baked...bread for the week, banana bread and chocolate chip cookies. I had half a slice of banana bread, a small cookie and a bite of Aleena's warm buttered bread. Pretty impressive, huh?!

Then Sunday I ate like crazy and even had a pig out session with the ice cream.

But this week has been really good. I've stayed really close to my daily points, gotten better with my GHG's and gotten in the minimum of water at least.

And the scale moves down. Then again, it was up after all the ice cream on Sunday night!!!

I did go to my meeting last Saturday. I weighed in up another .2, but after last week I was OK with that. Hope to be under 155 when I do my WI in March.

Hope you are all doing well and staying OP!

more later I promise!!!

You Are Basil

You are quite popular and loved by post people. You have a mild temperament, but your style is definitely distinctive. You are sweet, attractive, and you often smell good.

What Spice Are You?

I really thought they were habits

After over a year on WW I find myself NOT journaling this week. And drinking next to no water. What gives with that? Needless to say, I expect to be up even MORE tomorrow at WI. I've seriously got to get past this.

I know, why don't I try sticking to my WPA, flex points, journaling and drinking some WATER!!!

Oh, and you can read about my fascinating Valentine's Day here.

I've grown

OK, I have totally avoided you this week. I have just felt crappy about me and WW and my fatness and all that. Oh, and it's been TOM, too! This was the first time I think I ever wanted to wear sweats because my belly actually hurt. It was really tender and bloaty and crampy. One of the worst go rounds I've had with this whole thing. Granted I took about a decade away from it for gestation and lactation, but still I've been doing the TOM thing for a while and this one was really icky.

Anyway. I also got a call from the nurse at my doctor's office one afternoon this week. I was trying to explain to her that I needed a note for WW that said it was OK for me to set a goal weight of 155. She thought WW should determine my weight not me. And she would not be able to back date anything to November. She said I needed to come in for an appointment to discuss my goal weight with my doctor.

OK. This nurse is one of "those" people...tiny and skinny. Not at all sympathetic to me and my fatness. Next issue I have with all this? My doctor is really great. She's very thorough and I really feel like she knows who I am even though I've had like 3 appointments with her. BUT...she is always REALLY behind schedule. When I went in to get my little cyst taken off my scalp, I was there for over 2 hours. And most of that was just in the waiting room hanging out. I have to REALLY need to see her to go into her office. And lastly? I am just pissy about this whole thing. It totally sucks as far as I am concerned.

I tried to email my leader about the situation but it kept bouncing back to me. I actually told D that I thought I would give up WW for lent. He didn't think that was a good idea. I told him I feel like as a person I have been reduced to a number on a scale. I want to find me again without thinking about how much I weigh. He still didn't think giving up WW was a good idea though he did think I should deal with my feelings about WW.

So I sucked it up and walked into that meeting yesterday. Leader says "they didn't fax me". I told her they wouldn't and explained the story to her. She said I would have to do my 6 weeks of maintenance again. Sucky, but not the end of the world. Then she asks, "what was your goal again?" 155 "And how tall are you?" 5"4" L the other receptionist looks up and says "no you're not!" L is 5'4" and knows that I am taller than her even when I'm running around there in socks. So these 2 decide maybe I should measure myself with their wall chart thing. Now you know how when you go to dressing rooms and the mirrors make you look thinner? And how when you go to the doctor the scale always weighs you heavier so you have one more thing to stress about while you're there? I SWEAR to you that their measuring thing starts like an inch from the floor. Because I was 5'5 1/2" yesterday. So either I've had a growth spurt since this summer when I was at the doctor, or there's a little discrepancy there. I just figure it out. At the doctor's office I was shorter and fatter so my BMI would be WAY off and I could be counseled about obbesity. OMG!!! It's all a huge conspiracy!!!!!

Anyway...my leader rounds my height up to 5'6" and now 155 is the very top of WW's range for me. Problem solved! That was easy. Too bad I've been stress eating for 3 weeks worrying about how this would all work out. I weighed in at 157 yesteday. Leader told me to STOP stress eating as all was well now. I am officially a LIFETIME member with all my paperwork in order. THANK GOD!!!

Before yesterday I was seriously thinking of just walking away from WW forever. I looked into Overeaters Anonymous a little. In the section about "is OA for you" I found it ineteresting that a lot of the behaviors that signal an overeating disorder were ones that I struggled with almost daily before WW but now they are thought patterns and behaviors that are really rare for me. Guess I've made some progress there. WW really has been a good thing for me. I am glad that I have all my issues worked out there. I still have issues with me, don't get me wrong. But I'm working on it.

This morning I got on the scale like every other morning. It said 152.6. WHAT? Did I lose 5 pounds of stress? Or is it because I didn't drink enough water yesterday and was dehydrated? Or because TOM is over and I've lost my bloatedness? Whatever!

meeting but no WI

I went to my meeting on Saturday morning. How sad is it that I saw my leader walking in the parking lot before I got out of the car and thought evil thoughts about her?! Inside I asked if she had received the FAX from my doctor's office. She said, no, but it's not big deal...we'll get it when it gets here. *big smile*

Oh, yeah....SHE doesn't actually think I'm fat. In fact she thinks it great that I have chosen to take care of myself after more than a decade of gestating and lactating. Oh, yeah...

I decided that I won't hide from WW anymore. Screw it! I'm putting my fat little self on that scale Saturday morning. What are they going to do to me? Publicly humiliate me? Take away my keychain stuff? Call me a failure in front of the rest of the people there?

Nope! They will just take my money if I am above that limit of 157. Whatever...

By the way, I feel like I should tell you all that even though I feel like I'm not doing the WW thing very well lately, I have maintained a weight of 157.? to 158.? this entire time. Last week I even saw 155.? on my morning ritualistic weigh in at home. So I'm not like gaining a pound a week or anything. I'm actually MAINTAINING my weight. Just a higher number than WW wants me to be...and really about 5 pounds more than I want to be too.

My weekend was fun. I even found my inner skinny girl again. We went to dinner on Saturday night to celebrate the birthdays that happened last week. I had been running around all day. I was hungry and thirsty! I ordered a glass of water no ice (so I could slurp it down) and then looked at the menu. I really wanted veggies. I think the combo of being hungry and really thirsty was making me want something healthy. We were at a local brewery/restaurant (with $1 kids meals-HELLO!) so you can guess what the food was like. I thought about a chicken sandwhich. I thought about a salad. I got a bowl of soup and a dinner salad. I also ate one of Kelli and Jack E's mini corn dogs, a couple bites of Emma's fish and about 1/6 of one of the 2 mile high mud pies the server brought to us for the birthdays.

I was totally full and satisfied. I really felt like I had indulged but made good choices. The skinny girl was back. And I watched my 10 yo son eat a monte cristo, a ton of fries and split a mud pie with his brother. He's one of the skinny people in this house, and I am constantly amazed at the amount of food he can pack away!

I'll be updating more on my mama blog later. You can read more about our fun weekend there!

reflection

I spent a lot of time yesterday thinking about what my deal was. Thanks for those comments you left. To answer some of them:

I haven't been getting in my 8 GHG's...in the areas or F/V and dairy.

I went to a meeting last week but didn't WI.

I have been tracking it all. Every ugly detail.

I am the one who brought the junk in here. And it's not really "junk". Whole wheat banana and wheat germ bread isn't really unhealthy, but it takes points when I could spend them better. I have never really kept stuff out of our house just because I was on WW. I feel like if it's not OK for me to have occaisionally then my kids should NEVER have it. So we have ice cream around. And a bag of chips every couple of weeks. And I will bake cookies or muffins. I have always been able to stay out of the stuff until lately. And 4 of my 6 kids are at the bottom of the healthy range for weight. They eat all the time I swear! But they really do eat mostly fruits and yogurt for snacks. They have cereal sometimes or toast with peanut butter. Heck even our peanut butter is the natural kind that just peanuts! My kiddos have great eating habits so D and I must be doing something right there.

So what did I come up with yesterday in all my reflecting? Well, I should say that I was having cramps and feeling the early stuff of PMS even though that's more than a week away. So my thinking was a little clouded by all of that. I almost started crying in the shower when I heard D banging on the door. He was coming home from work with stuff in his hands and needed someone to open the door. Kelli can't unlock it (THANK GOD or she'd be running the neighborhood in her panties!) and didn't know what to do. I could hear him banging and felt so bad that he was locked out. He did have his keys in his pocket and a garage door opener in his truck, but still I wanted to cry.

So I was not in a good place! And I just felt naseous too. Just all around icky.

Back to my reflection. This really goes to show how deeply my nueroses go. I think part of my issue lately has come from reaching my goal weight that is above WW's limit for my height. That letter I need to get from my doctor really bugs me I guess. It's like I didn't quite make it to my goal. When I set 155 as my goal, I felt so great about my body. I really felt like that was a weight I could maintain easily and look good.

Then WW told me I was still fat. (That's the PMS part talking.)

Today I've been really trying to make my peace with the fact that I want to eat healthfully and feel fit for me. I love the WW program. I am a HUGE advocate for it. But I need to process how I'm feeling about this a little more.

Today I am trying to reclaim myself. And honestly it's a hard day to do it. I haven't done overnight work (as a postpartum doula or night nanny) for over a year. I did one night last week and then worked again last night. I am basically there to do whatever for these twins so mama can sleep. I give them a bottle, change diapers, soothe them and get them back to sleep. The babies I cared for last night are 3 months old so they are really used to their routine. They did sleep a little longer last night. So I slept from around 9:30-midnight. Both babies back asleep by 1 and then I was up at 4:15 to give them each another bottle before I left at 5. Then I was home on my couch half asleep from 5:45 til about 6:45 or 7.

I'm a little out of it, but not too bad. I stopped to get the kids donuts on my way home this morning. I was REALLY out of it then because for some reason I didn't think 1 dozen would be enough for them to all have 2 donuts. So I got 2 dozen. I was in the car before I realized how badly I suck at math that early in the morning.

I did eat 2 of the nasty wonderful things. But I put the rest in a tupperware in THE GARAGE until tomorrow morning so I won't pick anymore.

What I ate yesterday:

Food	Units
picks of cereal	1
rolled oats with 1/2 banana, little honey and kefir	4
other half of banana :)	1
1/2 apple with a little PB (Jack E's leftovers)	2
whole wheat pasta with a little parmesan	4
cauliflower and lowfat cheese sauce (from frozen)	3
2 mint kisses	3
toast w/ jam	4
1 cup 1% cottage cheese w/ hot sauce	3
toast with jam	4
Total:	29